Sequins and Sea Breezes: Real Life Is Hard

Real Life Is Hard

8/26/2015

I'm not going to lie, I've written this post multiple times over the past few months and just never published it. Although those times it was different from the way I'm feeling now so now looking back it's almost like a private look into my feelings throughout the course of this journey. I'm usually a fairly private person on my blog, don't get me wrong, I blog about real life and things I do but I try to keep my friends (who aren't bloggers) and family private from here for the most part which might be part of the reason I never hit publish on those posts or it could be because it made it less real if I didn't say it to the whole world. I feel like I'm handling it pretty well now so I decided to finally hit publish.
For those of you who don't already know, my grandmother passed away this weekend. She was my last living grandparent and the one I spent the most time with growing up. As an only child I used to spend every summer with her and my grandfather in Bar Harbor, Maine for the majority of my childhood. I haven't gotten to see her much lately, but when I talked to her on the phone, she could talk your ear off. I don't know how many times I had to get off the phone with her strictly because my cell phone battery was dying and not because we had run out of things to say.
I found out my grandmother was sick on Mother's Day this year. She was diagnosed with colon cancer but at the time we didn't know how much longer she had left to live. I didn't call her right after I heard the news because I hard a hard time not bursting out crying but when I called her the next day you would have never guessed she was sick. She sounded exactly like her normal self, I can still hear her saying "Why hello there little one" (something she's said to me since I was extremely little even though I'm not little any more and she has younger grandchildren now) when she figured out it was me. It was hard to be sad for her by the time I got off the phone because she was so upbeat and positive about the whole thing. As weeks went on I started noticing her health deteriorating and she seemed tired more often. Several stints in the hospital later I found out in July that she only had three months left to live. It hit me again that this was really happening but things happened so fast from there that I didn't really have much time to process it. A little over a month later my grandmother passed away in a hospice before I ever even got the chance to go up and say goodbye in person. My mom made it out to see her a few weeks ago and because of technology I got to FaceTime with her one last time. The last few weeks were especially hard, watching her deteriorate so quickly when we thought we had more time was rough. Part of me thinks that she wanted to speed up the process and that she was ready to leave this earth. My grandmother passed away on her 63rd wedding anniversary. I like to believe that she left when she did because she had a date planned with my grandfather to celebrate. Love you.

Thank you so much to everyone for all the kind words, texts and messages. I know I said it yesterday but I truly do have such an amazing support system and have found so many amazing long-term friends through blogging.


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46 comments

  1. That last sentence, girl...cue the water works! What a BEAUTIFUL story, I was incredibly close to my grandparents so I completely get where you are coming from and I'm sending you prayers through this difficult time! Thanks for feeling like you can share with us and know that we your blogging friends are here for you.

    Linds @ Not A Mom

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  2. I had no idea about the date and I'm so certain she had that date with your grandfather! I obviously didn't know your grandmother, but knowing you and how you speak about her I know she was an incredibly strong and wonderful woman - and she also had a hand in raising you - a firecracker in your own right!! Heaven gained an angel and you will forever have her guiding you through life! xo, Biana

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  3. Oh girl. I have chills reading this. I'm so sorry. At least you know she's in a better place watching over you now!

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  4. Oh Pamela, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us. Sending you all the hugs and prayers today <3

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  5. I am so, so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to lose a grandparent, and she sounds like one of the best! Loved the story about having to get off the phone only due to your battery dying :) I'm thinking and praying for your family, wish I could give you a big hug right now!

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  6. I'm sorry for your loss! I lost my grandmother a few years ago to Alzheimer's so I know how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer. I definitely think she had a date with your grandfather that she didn't want to miss! You can take comfort in the fact that she passed away feeling so much love from everyone around her and had the love of her life waiting for her on the other side! Praying for you and your family!

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  7. Thinking and praying for you and your family! Reading this definitely made me emotional - I can completely relate to losing a close grandmother, and more so, knowing that you have to prepare for that. Love that you loved to talk so much - so sweet! She most definitely had a date with your grandfather!

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  8. Aw I am so sorry to hear this Pam!!! I know she was a fighter from the beginning and I can't believe the date she passed on! That's definitely a sign that you grandfather was waiting to be with his sweetheart again! You and your family are in my prayers! So sorry for your loss!

    <3 Shannon
    Upbeat Soles

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  9. there are no words that i could write here to make anything at all better and i'm glad you got the courage to hit publish on this post. it's ok to let those feelings out - especially when it's something thats so close to your heart. you know i love you mucho! beautiful post!

    xoxo cheshire kat

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  10. Oh dear friend, losing anyone is hard and losing someone who means so much is the toughest. I'm so so so sorry for your loss and that the timeline was faster than expected. So glad you were able to Facetime with her and see her face, technology sure is amazing. Your grandmother sounds like the most fabulous lady and I know she knew how much you loved her. Sending you hugs, prayers and love sweet girl.

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  11. Sending you lots of love and prayers Pamela. She sounded like one special lady and I bet her and your grandfather had an amazing wedding anniversary in Heaven. xx

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  12. These pictures are so sweet! I am so sorry to hear about your loss. That is not easy to go through, especially when it's your last grandparent. Thinking of you lots! Xo

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  13. So sorry to hear about your grandma Pamela. She sounds like she was a very special lady and I love all of the pictures that you shared. 63 years of marriage is pretty incredible too. I'm sure that she and your grandpa are on a date right now. :-) Stay strong lady and I'll be praying for you.

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  14. I am positive that she had a date to make with your grandfather! I am so sorry to hear about your loss though. Sending hugs your way!

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  15. I am so sorry for you loss. She sounds like an amazing woman and my heart breaks for you. I love the photos of you and her though, those are priceless.
    -Beth

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  16. I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a grandparent is never easy, especially when you were very close. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    xo, Carly - soak and simmer

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  17. Oh my goodness, this is so so so sweet. I always love thinking about how timing is everything. Your grandmother is precious and I know she is in a much much better place now. I'm glad I found your blog, it's so cute!

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  18. Oh Pamela, I am so sorry!! I know how heart breaking this is! But I'm so glad you two had such a special relationship. The sweetest memories that you will cherish forever!! Praying for comfort for you and your family right now, sweet friend!

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  19. My heart breaks for you. Grandmothers are the sweetest, and it sounds like yours was amazing. Thinking of you and hoping you find peace knowing you gained a guardian angel. Hugs and love to you!

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  20. Sending you a big hug!! What sweet pictures of you and your grandmother!!! :) Losing a grandparent is so hard - I lost my first earlier this year. Hoping the great memories you share give you a bit of comfort :)

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  21. I am so so sorry. How lucky you were to have such an amazing grandmother that made saying goodbye so hard. Prayers for you and your family during this sad time.

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  22. she sounds like one special lady. i have one grandparent left. i am so sorry for your loss. i can't even imagine. so glad you shared this with us. so much love and support for you!

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  23. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know your heart is broken but glad you have so many memories to fill your heart!
    Trish - tales from trish

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  24. What a wonderful lady and what an amazing relationship you had with her-- just from those few photos you can tell how close you guys were and how happy you are to be together. I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you and your family <3

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  25. I'm so sorry to hear about this and for your loss sweets. That's so hard, especially because it sounds like you stayed so close. However, I'm sure that made her life even better having a grand daughter like you in it and she will live on through you <3

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  26. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. She sounds like such an amazing soul and it's great that you have so many cherished memories with her. That last sentence, oh man. After working in healthcare for so long, I've learned to realize that many people just know when it's their time. I bet her date with your grandfather was fabulous! Hugs to you girl!

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  27. Oh her 63rd Wedding anniversary?? That is something else. When my grandmother was in her final stages as well all she wanted to do was go and be with her John. It is really crazy how things like that happen? I think having that thought about setting the date definitely helps. It is never easy losing the ones you love. I still think of my grandmother. I teared up in Trader Joe's the other day because I saw the cutest older lady and she as all dressed to the nines like how my grandmother used to do when she went out. It was such a crazy reminiscent moment. Just know she lived a long life and now she can be with the one she loved. <3 you girl!

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  28. Im so sorry to hear the news. Grandmothers are so special and it's so hard to see them go. I can remember how I felt when my last grand parent and favorite grandmother passed away a couple years ago. I flew home for the funeral to be with family but it was so hard. Stay strong and still talk to her in the sky!

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  29. You had me in tears when you mentioned that your grandmother passed on her wedding anniversary. I bet you are so right; a date in Heaven with her lifelong love. I only have one grandmother left (one of 2 grandparents I knew) and I know that as she gets older this will become a reality as well. I'm so very sorry for your loss girl, and I'm sending you a huge hug and prayers. xx

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  30. So sorry to hear about your grandma. That last sentence is so sweet and heartbreaking-I'm sure she couldn't miss that date with your grandpa!

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a close grandparent is hard, but that last sentence....that last sentence! I bet she did have a date to get too :) Sending you lots of hugs sweet friend!

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  32. Sending so many hugs your way. My cousin (who I consider to be a brother) has been fighting a hard battle against cancer. I'm running the Chicago marathon in his honor and he's told me that he'll be there at the finish line waiting for me. And like your grandmother, you'd never in a million years know that he was sick or in so much pain. He's the life of any party and we're all hoping for a miracle. That is the sweetest way to look at it though knowing that she most likely did have a date with your grandpa. Just think, they're together again and always looking after you. <3

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  33. I am so sorry to hear this! She sounds like a wonderful woman. I love the thought that she had a date to celebrate, too. Sending you lots of hugs!
    xo,
    Darcy

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  34. I know there aren't any words to help you feel better, but just know I'm here if you need me *hugs*. Loving those sweet pictures of the two of you together, especially the one of you when you were really little - too cute! And you are definitely right, she and your grandfather celebrated their anniversary in style :)

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  35. oh Pamela, I am so sorry. I wish I had something to say or do that would help. Thinking of you. Big hugs xoxo

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  36. I'm so sorry for your loss, this had me tearing up. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

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  37. I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss and sending lots of love your way!! That's great that you two were so close and while death is a horrible thing to deal with, I think your last sentence is exactly right :)

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  38. I'm so sorry, Pamela. I wish I could give you a hug right now. She sounds like she was an incredibly special person.

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  39. I am so sorry about your grandmother. It sounds like you two had a really special relationship. Thinking about you and your family.

    Nikki
    thefashionablewife.com

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  40. I'm so very sorry to hear about your grandmother. I am very close with my grandmother too and hate that one day we will have to say goodbye to one another. This totally brought a tear to my eye.

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  41. So sorry to hear about your grandma. The sentence about her meeting your grandfather for an anniversary date is so so sweet.

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  42. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there and it really is hard. Sending you many hugs xoxo

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  43. oh pamela i am so so sorry for your loss. this post made me cry. i am very close to my grandmother too and i spent a LOT of time with her growing up. my heart aches for you. xo jillian - cornflake dreams

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  44. Oh, friend. I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand your relationship with your grandmother; I had that with my grandfather. There really is something incredible with grandparents. You're in my thoughts, sweet friend. xo, Champagne&Suburbs

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  46. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmothers passing, sweet friend. From the way you speak about her, she certainly was a great lady. You are in my thoughts and prayers - hang in there! Xo

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